Some call me a suicide survivor. I have always been shocked at that term. I mean when you really think about it how does someone survive suicide? Then I discovered I was looking at it the wrong way.
(1) A person who has survived a suicide attempt
(2) A person who survives a suicide completer; a suicide griever
Segen’s Medical Dictionary. © 2012 Farlex, Inc. All rights reserved.
So I guess I am a suicide survivor. I’ve had two of my close family members commit suicide. One happened in 2006 and the second one happened in September of this year.
So I want to ask you is it really worth it? I don’t know what is going through you mind, heart or what you are facing. BUT I do know what I had going through my mind, my heart and what I had to face because of this selfish act you completed. And as a survivor I can tell you it is not worth it. Oh, sure you may think your pain will end. Your problems won’t haunt you anymore. BUT…
What about those loved one’s you leave behind? They have to face the pain of lose and the pain of blaming themselves for not seeing the warning signals or hearing the cry for help. We have to face that problems that haunted you only we get to face them when we are grieving and trying to understand WHY!
In 2006, when my mother committed suicide, it devastated me. Living next door to her and watching her isolate herself from the world because she feared she would catch something and it would be the death of her slowly killed me inside. I will never forget the day as long as I live. I relive it each time I close my eyes. It is only by the grace of God and His protection that block these painful and debilitating memories out. I blamed myself and I had others who blamed me too. I was in a very bad place for a very long time. My mother died on October 21, 2006 and we buried her on October 28, 2006. I honestly can’t remember five months of my life after that. Oh sure, I went through the motions. I got up each, it was a struggle, but I have three little girls that needed me to care for them. I fed, clothed and took care of my children, I was a mom who wasn’t present. I was a wife who wasn’t there. Each night I cried myself to sleep, crying out WHY, why, WHY? Each day became a blur and I don’t remember what I bought my children for Christmas, or what we ate for that matter. Everyone around me that loved me walked on egg shells. WHY? The statistic’s say that 98% of all suicide survivors end of killing themselves. 98%? Oh my goodness. No wonder everyone kept asking me if I was okay. But are you really okay when someone you love takes their life and leaves you with this huge gaping hole? No you are not. I can honestly say that I would not of made it without the Lord. I would not be here this day writing this to let you know that suicide is not worth it. My husband would have been a widow at 31 years old. My children would have been motherless at a very young age. My dad would have been wifeless and daughterless. But, the Lord never left me, nor forsook me just as His Word promised.
Right after my mom’s death, I was angry! So angry I was not a nice person. I blamed myself and the load of grief was too much for me to carry. So I lashed out with my tongue and my nails and I hurt so everyone around me hurt. I blamed God. If He truly loved me, why did He let my mom kill herself and deprive my dear sweet children of a grandmother? WHY, why, WHY? The words became my motto. After, I realized that blaming God wasn’t going to cut it, of course I still couldn’t realize that I needed to stop blaming myself, I turned to God for answers to my why’s. I’d love to tell you that He answered my prayer the first time. But, He didn’t. I prayed, I confessed, I asked for help, I surrendered, I sought Him and still the why’s kept screaming at me. Until one day, when the girls were taking a nap, I was laying on the floor crying my eyes out and laying it all at the foot of the cross. I heard in my spirit “You could have prolonged it, but you couldn’t have prevented it.” I was blown away. I felt like Gideon. I said if that is you God, I need you to confirm this for me because I am in a cold dark place right now. Guess what? He confirmed it, I spoke to someone who didn’t know how my mom died and they spoke words of healing into my heart.
Slowly, as I allowed the Lord to apply the healing balm to my heart, I came to realize and to forgive myself. I forgave God and anyone else I was holding this death against and as I did each day became brighter. I won’t lie and tell you there isn’t a mother shaped hole in my heart, but I’ve allowed the Lord to fill this hole and He has filled it to overflowing.
Unbeknownst to me, six years later I would have to face the same thing all over again. Only this time it would be 25 yr. old niece. When I got the phone call I have to tell you it was like de ja vu. I think I actually blacked out for a moment and had to have my husband help me get off the floor.
So if you have been contemplating suicide and you think that is your only choice, I am here to tell you there are many options. I serve a great BIG God. A God that is bigger than any problem you are facing. A God who wants to heal you and adopt you into His family. So please read my story and get help. We have an enemy that is prowling around seeking to destroy, please get help. Because as I am here to tell you, suicide is not worth it.
If you need help and don’t know where to turn, please drop me an email and I will help you find help in your area. I am not a trained counselor, but I will help you find the professional help you need in your time of need. I don’t know you, but you are created in the image of God and I love you!
Until Next Time,