On October 21, 2006, you forever changed my life. It has been 7 years since you took your life away from those who loved you. It has been a long, hard seven years. There have been ups and downs. There has been laughter, tears, births, deaths and many different milestones that you’ve missed. Some events you have been blessed to miss, like 4 hurricanes in one year. And others it has been a shame that you had to miss them. For instance, Savannah, Madison and Gabby graduating from Kindergarten. Your life, has been missed, greatly.
I wanted to share with you that I am taking care of your husband, my dad. He is eating well, he is taking his medication and your granddaughters love him to pieces. Recently, we went to a Ranch Hand Rodeo with your husband, my dad. The girls had so much fun and their grandpa did too! Remember when we use to go to the rodeo’s together as a family? Remember the dust, the mud and the crowds? Well, my girls were able to experience this first hand and their grandpa was there to see it too. I wish you were… But…. YOU made a decision and we have to live it out each day without you. Sometimes, I know that the one’s left behind in the wake of suicide are the one’s who suffer the most.
Over the last seven years that you’ve been gone, I’ve called you on the phone only to discover that you weren’t there. Don’t worry your husband, my dad told me. I’ve asked a billion times “Why”, and I’ve received silence from you. But, God answered me and His answer is what has brought me through each day. I’ve shared things that have happened in my own life with you only to be rewarded with silence. A silence so dark, deep and quiet it consumes you. If I am not careful that dark, deep quiet can consume me too just as it did you. But sometimes, I think I have to go there to meet you, to find the connection we use to have while you lived. Then the Word of God shows me that this is not true, but a lie from the pits of hell coming at me from my enemy. I am not darkness, I am not lost and I definitely am not quiet. I am a vessel that the Lord Jesus uses to shine His brilliant light through into the darkness. Did you know that this would happen after you died? Or were the voices in your own head louder than the care for your family? Is this why you decided to leave this world ahead of plan? If so,, I can’t stand the quiet that is beyond compare to anything I’ve ever heard. I won’t be going there anymore, mum. The Lord has revealed to my heart that this is not a good place for one of His children to be. So, your on your own now. Of course that is what your actions spoke to us all along that you wanted to be in control and you wanted to be alone in that dark, deep quiet.
Oh, I’ve rejoiced that you’ve missed the hurricanes, the fires and the stressful events in our lives. That you weren’t there to see your husband have a stroke, to wait at the hospital while they placed three stints in his heart. I’ve thanked the good Lord that you didn’t have to go through some of the messy things and then I realized what hasn’t claimed my life for Jesus has made me stronger in His hands as they cup my life. So the rejoicing that I did at the things you missed was merely a physical view, maybe I should of hoped that you would of faced these things with me by your side and most of all with Jesus on your side leading the way. I am not sure?
I am not angry anymore over the event that took your life. I trust in someone much larger than mere man who was made from the dust by the Lord, Yahweh. He has it all under control and I trust that. I am sorry you had to go before your time and I miss you dearly. But, the Lord has sent others to fill your role in my life. Godly mother’s who have helped me along my way and answered my questions.
With love that knows no end,
Your daughter. M
Until Next Time,